There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.