Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dating After Heartbreak
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.