if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
