unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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