I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
