It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i love accidental penises.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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