I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My life is pants optional.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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