You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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