Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
