i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
