How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
