She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
