Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
