i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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