i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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