Sry I called you an 8
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
