Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
