i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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