please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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