I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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