if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
