If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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