It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just googled if crying burns calories
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
