This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
