using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
