I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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