ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
