If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
