So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
