there's paper in my vomit.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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