just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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