I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
