I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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