I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
