Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
