just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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