Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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