Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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