Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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