Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
