he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
