Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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