exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
God, you're like boner-b-gone
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
