Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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