I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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