Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
