how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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