Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
