i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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