I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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