he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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