What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
