dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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