Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
