I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
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My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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