oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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