she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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