My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
