Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
