Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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